I joined Nablopom several weeks back, committing myself to a daily blog for the entire month of November. I decided that my Twitters didn’t count, nor did posts on other blogs (like my ActiveRain blog or my contributions on RemoteProfessionals.com or other sites.) And, honestly, it’s been a struggle.
I think if I didn’t HAVE to blog daily, it would be easier. But this came at a good time, and it has helped to keep me focused on my blog during a period of time when I’d probably let my blog slide. When things are particularly challenging, I usually don’t talk about the details on the blog. I talk about the symptoms, on occasion, but not the cause. I only explain the cause after the fact if at all. Let’s just say that trying to blog right now is difficult.
I do like the idea of daily blogging, in the same way I’ve always thought it would be great to follow in the footsteps of the great men and women in American history who journaled every day.
It makes me happy to join in that company, even if I do so on this electronic platform and I do so publicly with much less time spent on self-analysis than I should. If I looked too closely at things right now, I’d probably implode. It’s best to leave that for a later time.
I did look over some old blog posts, some of the farm chronicles in particular, today. I was cleaning up some that weren’t properly formatted and I couldn’t help but notice the cyclical nature of my stress. It bothers me. It’s not my physical situation, apparently, because that’s changed dramatically through the years, it’s my reaction to life that stresses me out. So, I’m recognizing that I need to make some internal changes to break the pattern. Right now, I’m merely sliding backward.
I’ve fallen off the “all organic” bandwagon. It’s a bumpy fall. Always. I feel so much better when I’m very careful about what I eat. But, honestly, it’s just too much trouble at the moment. I also gave up my “decent” bedtime — because I’m having trouble sleeping with all this stuff swimming around in my head all the time.
I hope that getting back to the farm will help quell the tsunami raging in my head, but I know that it isn’t my physical location that’s causing the problem (although that really doesn’t help), the problem is me. I’m not happy with life at the moment, so my mind does double-time trying to sort it all out and find a solution, a plan, a path to take to improve things.
I’ve come to the discouraging conclusion that the only thing that will fix things is time. Being so impatient by nature, that’s always the WRONG answer for my mental health. I hate to wait, even when I know it’s the only option.
So, this promise to blog daily has actually helped me to chill. It’s a pain, but it’s probably a pretty good exercise for me at this moment. I can’t believe that the month is almost half gone already. I can’t believe how quickly time is passing and how little of what I want to do is being accomplished.
It appears that every year I hope for a miracle of change and peace and solace with the new upcoming year. Every year I’m disappointed. So, it’s not the turning of the calendar page in a month and a half that will make the difference. If there’s going to be a change, it’s up to me. I have to find a way to do this.
So I’m sleepless and stressed and my mind races, but I’m blogging daily.