Dissappearing Dreams

I get the keys to the new house today and already I’m worried about being in the “renter” category again. It seems nuts to have a farm as beautiful as the one I have and choose to live in the middle of the city with all the damn city noises, all the people everywhere and all the mess. There is no natural beauty here. None. I have 25 acres of pristine, untouched, unparalleled beauty that I own free and clear… and I sit here paying for the privilege of being where I don’t really want to be.

Today isn’t a good day, it rather sucks. I’m sure it will be better soon, I’m sure I’ll find the silver linings again and I’ll begin to bloom where I’m planted… but today, I’m wondering why I ended up here… again.

As I look back over the years, over all the sacrifices and the doing without to achieve my dreams, this giant leap backward depresses me. I worked so hard and so long for so many years, to only end up back EXACTLY where I was 20 years ago… renting a house in Lexington. I did this when I was a starving student. I did this before I had anything, before I knew anything, before I’d matured and grown and (supposedly) gotten a bit of wisdom along the way.

And yet, here I sit.

I’m too stubborn to buy a house here. I know better. I despise debt and I won’t willingly go into those deep, dark, disparaging waters not again. Not this girl.

On the bright side, at least the house is large enough. It’s an old brick two story with craftsman details and four large bedrooms. I will have the freedom to paint, decorate and make changes as I see fit. The owner appears to be trusting. Besides, with my background I’d never do anything that would lower the property value. I think he knows that.

I will get to play with my surroundings a bit. But they aren’t really mine. There’s no ownership here. It’s temporary. Again.

Rental rates in Lexington are substantial and I keep thinking how quickly I could have completed the cabin on the farm with these hundreds of dollars going toward it every month.

With the new astronomical medical bills, I’ll not be out of debt anytime soon. The choice to move to Lexington, to get my husband closer to his doctors, to his family, and to a job he will enjoy that’s on first shift has only pushed that goal out more… years more.

I weigh it all and try to be a good wife. I feel guilty for even questioning the value of the trade-offs. I try to remember that my hubby is happier in the city. I try to remember that my son and daughter will have a better education here. I try to remember that everything will be more convenient now and it won’t take an hour to get a loaf of bread or a gallon of milk. I try to remember all the good reasons to be here… but all I keep feeling is betrayed. And sad. And hopeless. Like I was forced to leave all my own dreams behind.

The farm will not be my home anytime soon. I’ll not travel in the near future. I’ll probably not be able to retire at 52 now. It will take years to get back to where I was two months ago… which was still not as far along as I wanted to be. Then, I feel sorry for myself and I hate when I do that.