Tag Archives: parenting

Enjoying Tough Times: Home, Meals and Simple Pleasures

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One Sunday harvest from one tomato vine.

One Sunday harvest from one tomato vine.

The economy sucks. It’s horrible out there. People are losing jobs in record numbers. The “basics” cost more now — a LOT more — than they did just a couple years ago. It’s harder to make ends meet than it has been in recent memory. And, according to the “experts” (and my own gut), it’s not going to get better anytime soon.

So why am I enjoying this mess?

It’s put me back in touch with some of the things that it’s easy to forget… like how to enjoy the simple pleasures. It makes me remember that it’s much easier to save money than to make it. It becomes glaringly obvious how much better life is when people pull together to make things easier instead of wandering apart.

Case in point — I’m cooking again. Dating someone with kids and having my own grown children nearby has expanded my “standard” meal from a quick two-person deal (for my daughter and me this time last year) to a five or six-person meal… often expanded by one or two more than that!

I’m keeping a tight rein on the health aspects of the cooking for varied (and necessary) reasons. I enjoy seeing the differences in the way the people around the table are trimming down, pumping up with energy, and feeling as good as they look. I’m cooking from scratch most of the time. Almost nothing goes to waste.

Despite the tough economic times, I’m not pushing as hard as I once did. My client load has lightened and I’m taking it in stride. I enjoy expanding my “daily” work to things outside the office. I don’t spend 16-18 hours in front of the computer these days. Honestly, it’s nice.

I have a tiny garden to tend. Mostly it’s just herbs, tomatoes and chard (oh, and weeds) … but it’s amazing how much has come out of that little patch of earth. My Roma tomatoes have escaped the blight that many gardeners in the area have endured with their own tomatoes. That one vine has produced enough for us to have fresh tomatoes at one or two meals a day, and I’ve had extras that I’ve used in cooking. The other vines haven’t done much — other than provide some HUGE green tomatoes for deep-south lovin’ green fried tomatoes (only once this year, so far.)

I’ve probably spent less money on fluff in the past four months than I have in years and I don’t miss shopping… at ALL. I like finding ways to make our food budget shrink while our food quality soars. I enjoy scouring Craigslist and the local Goodwill for the things we need or want around the house.

Yeah, I’m nesting. I know this. I have an appreciative audience, which helps enormously. And the best thing about all of this? We all sit down three times a day together and “break bread.” We have family time without a television or even a radio. We sit and eat and talk. Yeah, TALK. We do this several times a day… EVERY day. We are getting closer all the time. It’s nice and I notice the effects on interpersonal relationships around the house.

I think the speed with which we are accustomed to living life has not been a benefit to family life. I think grabbing something at a drive through, munching whatever can be found in the fridge while watching TV and sink-hovering to devour “fuel” for our bodies has starved our souls.

I like working together, pulling together to make life better with less. Yeah, I’m a simplicity girl… but it’s nice to have a whole group of people working together to make the most of everything. It’s truly joyful.

So if you wonder why I’m smiling so broadly while everyone else is cursing the “hard times” — now you know. ;)

If all we really have is time…

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You have heard the old query… “If you had 24 hours to live, how would you spend them?” And I’m sure that thinking about this semi-regularly is probably a good idea. At the very least, it’s humbling.

Sure, I’d like to say that I’d go skydiving or something that I’ve always wanted to try. The fact is, I wouldn’t.

When you are a parent, it seems like a luxury to even CONSIDER doing anything for yourself for 24 hours… much less to actually DO it — even if those were the LAST 24 hours you had.

Heck, I’d be running around trying to figure out how to make sure my kids were ok once I was gone.

Besides, I reason, I’m at an age now that I’d probably break a leg or something if I jumped out of a plane to try skydiving and would spend my last few hours on earth in an emergency room. So, my future in hell would begin early.

If time is all we have, then why is it always so disposable, so hard to hold onto, and so “grabbed at” by everyone else? Why isn’t it more sacred? More appreciated? Considered more valuable?

Labor saving devices don’t really give us any more free time. Time management systems just frustrate us and require us to learn new software, carry more stuff around, and/or read a bunch of books on the topic from “so called” professionals in the time management industry. The fact that an industry has popped up around this should be a dire warning to anyone taking “time management” too seriously. I think “time management” is an oxymoron, like “quality fast food” or “fair taxes” but I’d have to study it more to be sure.

The digital world takes more time than the pleasure it offers us in return. We create and/or buy machines and services… EXPENSIVE machines and services… that we have to work longer hours to afford, to help us more creatively waste the time we do have. Think TV, think cable, think cell phones, think high-speed Internet.

Communication takes a great deal of our time, even if it’s been truncated into flat, textureless, flavorless, one-character words and images sent via thumb-presses over a cell phone. There is no time when we are “unconnected” and there is no “downtime.” We are omni-available. We are always on call. We are at everyone’s mercy and seemingly take no personal control to say… NO!

When do we rest… really rest… in this modern world? Why do we feel guilty if we want to unplug and become unreachable for even a few hours or *gasp* a few days?

I love my technology and I love my life, most days. But I do wonder what it would be like to disappear for some well-deserved “me time” — and I wonder if it would be worth the joy it would bring, of if I’d spend the whole time worried about what was happening while I was gone… or what I’d have to face and the messes I’d have to clean up when I returned.

Maybe it’s not a technology or a modern life thing… maybe it’s just me.  Maybe I’m incapable of slowing down and letting go. Maybe I need to begin smaller and learn to mediate for a few minutes a day. Maybe I need to take a walk (without the iPhone) more often. Maybe I need to carve out a little time each day that belongs to just me. Maybe I just miss the farm and need a “farm fix.”

All I know is that I need something, something peaceful and sweet, something refreshing and fulfilling, something selfish.

A sparkly, glowing 2009

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Every year, every January 1st, I have this great hope that the upcoming year will be a bright and beautiful one. For years, I’ve been less than pleased with the results. This year, I’m already happy with the new year.

Well, that may be a bit misleading since my life started getting REALLY good (for no particular, identifiable reason) about the middle of last month. Decembers usually suck for me. It’s a fact. But this one was lovely.

I’m not sure what it was. I’m not sure what was different. Maybe it’s that I worked to eliminate stress. Maybe it’s that I actually completed my taxes before going on a two week vacation for the holidays.

Maybe it’s that I’ve quit stressing over the fact that I’m not living on the farm. I realize now that despite the fact that I have to wait for Internet to reach the farm (and not the slower-than-dial-up satellite I can get there now), before I can move there full-time — that it WILL happen. I’ll live there again.

It’s hit me that knowing my “end game” — that I’ll end up on the farm — makes when that happens less important. It could be next year or in three decades. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that between now and then, I’ve got a life that should be viewed as adventure. And I have a place to land when I’m ready to quit adventuring. A place that belongs to me.

I have one child still at home and my biggest concern for her is her education. If I have to move to get her what she needs, I’ll do it. It’s an adventure.

If I need to home school her (although I prefer not to do that, since she’s soon going to need much more depth and breadth than I can do easily while working full-time), I’ll do it. I’ll do whatever is in her best interest.

I have seven more years before she’s out on her own, and my job as an active parent is over. Then I’ll be more of an “adviser” parent to her — like I am to the boys. Of course, she may want that advice more than they do… or she may not.

I’ve spent my life planning for tomorrow and failing to really live in the today.

Suddenly, in the past three weeks or so, I’ve gotten much better at living in the now. I’m doing what’s required to lessen my debts, the mass of details I’m juggling, the number of belongings I have to maintain. The whole process has been quite liberating. I’ve simplified my business life considerably. I’m working now on continuing the progress on the personal side. Simple is best. Always has been.

I’ve preached simplicity for years, but I’m just now making real headway toward it on an elemental level for myself.

So life is good and 2009, despite my misgivings over the economy and politics of the current day, is looking pretty good for me. It’s ironic. I’m not going to investigate the why too long. I like things the way they are now and feel no urge to over-analyze it.

Now THAT’s new.

Public school rant

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I know, it’s an old topic with me, but I can’t help it…

The holidays bring out the worst in me where the public school system is concerned. Please note: I like the people at Alex’s elementary school — especially the principal. They are caring, concerned and hard-working individuals.

With that said… our public school system sucks!

Point One:

There is no science in fifth grade. Why? Because the State of Kentucky doesn’t TEST on science in fifth grade. My daughter does, however, have TWO social studies classes this year. I’m assuming that means that the fifth grade tests for social studies skills, eh? Teaching to the test makes me nuts.

I think she would really get jazzed about science this year. I think the iron is hot now. Of course, what do I know? I’m just a mom.

Point Two:

I had a visit from the Truancy officer last week. Why? Because it bugs the crap out of me that I need to send in notes from doctors when she goes to a dentist/eye/doctor appointment. I won’t do it until it’s absolutely required.

If I hadn’t sworn off drama, I’d probably let them take me to court just to make my point about such things and get my statement in the local paper. As it is, I’m trying to avoid drama. So, I gave them the notes from the doctor/dentist/optometrist. (Note: I do my best to make appointments after school whenever possible, but many offices aren’t open after she gets home from school.)

I did hold her out for one half-day session when she wasn’t sick — when she told me that they were not going to be doing any classwork (it was a “free day”). I did this because I had to go out of town the previous evening to sit with my father and I needed to get her glasses Rx checked that next morning. By the time I would have been able to get her back, there may have been 45 minutes of “school” left — and I’d have to return to that same out-of-town location to care for my father over that weekend. It just didn’t seem worth the gas, time and effort. So sue me. (It was counted as a full day absence, BTW, not a half-day.)

Yes, I know that I can write four “parent notes” and I know that after that I need to have “legitimate” excuses for her absence. And, I guess I’ll do that too, it just bugs me that me looking at a glassy-eyed child who has just thrown up doesn’t count as legitimate. It bugs me that when I pick her up, sick, from school (after they call me to come get her) and keep her in bed the next day — it’s unexcused. I’m so sorry she didn’t make a miraculous recovery in 12 hours and needed a full day in bed. Geeze!

It bugs me that it requires an MD to be “legitimate” — and a visit to the doctor (complete with bill) so I can be told “rest, fluids and time” is what she needs. Or worse… to be given a slew of symptom-treating drugs that does nothing to change the course of nature with a cold or a virus, but does God-knows-what to her young system.

This is my third child. I think I know, by now, when she needs rest and fluids to recover from a virus. Although I must admit that the darker side of me has been tempted to send her to school throwing up in the hopes that she will infect others and negatively impact the attendance record and the money per capita (which really IS the bottom line for the attendance policy) on a larger scale. Fortunately, I’m not willing to sacrifice my daughter to such dark ends.

It also bugs me that one of the “unexcused” absences was when they called me to come pick her up because she was sick — the moment she got off the bus, before classes even started. I’d suggested that she go on to school and if she didn’t feel any better I’d come get her. It’s standard for me to tell my kids that because, often, once they get up and moving, they feel better. It’s true for all of us. So, if they call and I pick her up, it’s unexcused? If they call and I don’t go pick her up… it’s, what, neglect? (They did say they would remove that one, when I inquired.)

I don’t run my kids or myself into the doctor the moment someone coughs or sneezes. I’ve been sick since Saturday — really sick — but I’m letting this horrible case of the creeping-crud run its course. I firmly believe that medicating too early is a bane to our future abilities to fight off viruses/infection/etc on our own. After all, the creation of super-bacteria has been traced to the over-use and unnecessary use of anti-bacterial soaps, etc. I don’t even let that stuff in my house. We use plain soap and water — not that it protects us from what other people have created.

I do believe that building a healthy immune system is the best thing for long-term health. I work hard to do so… for me and my kids.

Point Three:

The holiday schedules make me crazy. Yesterday, my daughter had 30-minute classes so they could leave at noon to go to the movies to see Madagascar. Hardly an educational movie in my book — and one she’d already seen with a church group the week before. I paid the three dollars and said nothing. Everyone deserves a fun field trip from time to time, right?

Well that’s before I knew what was on the agenda for today…

Today? No classes today. Today they watched “Home Alone” and “Kung-Fu Panda” and did crafts. No classes. They did go to library (where they watched part of the movie “Spy Kids”) and gym (where they ran relay races and danced). And this is for Thanksgiving. I’m sure the Christmas holiday lead up will be even worse — it usually is.

But, you know what? I’m required by law to send her for this. If I had kept her at home, it would have been another strike against ME. Legal strike against me. If I had kept her here to read or write or work on math… I would have been “interfering” with her education. Go figure.

Now maybe I’m just all pissy because I’m sick and because she’s starting to come down with what I have. (Case in point, it’s not yet 6:00 p.m. and she’s curled up in bed asleep with a stuffy nose.) I’m anticipating a glorious holiday of mucus and coughs and sneezes and bed rest for us both.

No traveling and family this year (I can’t possibly take this in on my father in his condition, even if I do start feeling better.)

But I tend to believe that it’s more than just a uber-cold induced bad mood. I think there is something seriously wrong with a system that requires us to send our children to school for “free days” and for movies. Am I crazy?

Sometimes my lack of maturity smacks me in the face

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You would think, by now, I’d be old enough to know better…

Sometimes, I expect the world to be fair and for other people to observe the golden rule. Just because you put your personal differences aside and do the right thing when it comes to someone else, even if you have to grit your teeth to do it, doesn’t mean that very same person in a remarkably similar reversal, will do the same thing. I should just know that by now, right? Maybe this time I’ve actually learned that. Maybe. Hey, it could happen!

Sometimes not saying anything is better than saying something nasty. (My mother taught me that one.) So when I say nothing and say nothing and count to 100 and say nothing…. when does the goading stop? Does an ulcer signify success? Would taking up kick-boxing help… at all?

My father was the one that always said “Life’s not fair” — and I always argued. But you know what? He was right. Life isn’t fair. And, like parenting, no one gives you a manual. You, me and everyone else, just have to wing it, do what we can and hope for the best.

I laughed when both my parents told me that “parenting adults is harder than parenting children.” I felt the sting of the words aimed at me, while I complained about the messes my tiny children made and how hard it was to have two boys so close together in age and to literally start over again with a girl 10 years after the eldest boy was born. They didn’t understand, I assured myself… they never had THREE kids and they never tried to do it alone. I was wrong. They were right. ‘Nuff said.

So here I sit… trying to figure out how to learn to “let go” of the things I can’t do anything about and there I go… searching under every un-turned rock to find the wisdom to know the difference. Here I am, waiting for a miracle, a revelation, a tiny sliver of insight so I can figure out what my role is and if, indeed, I still have one in so many situations that find me lately.

In the meantime, while I impatiently await enlightenment, maybe I can be mature enough to quit worrying about everyone else and give myself permission to just take care of me and the one child I have left who is still under legal age.

Maybe now is the time to quit wringing my hands about all the things I failed to do perfectly, and start enjoying life a little more. Maybe today is the day I finally reach a comfortable level of maturity and realize that being a little more selfish isn’t necessarily a bad thing… maybe it’s a bit more like self-preservation. Maybe that’s what it really means to be mature. Maybe.