Soooo, I had it all worked out… and I think that was the first mistake.

The Plan: Travel

Alex and I were going to be hitting the road in October — we would be gone by Halloween. I bought the conversion van (one tiny payment left to make), I was spending time figuring out how to make all the systems work for full-time travel (everything from showers and potty to electronics and deep-cycle batteries to make my business work.)

I announced my plans to all my best buddies, told family (who are accustomed to rolling their eyes when I make these non-traditional plan announcements), let many of my clients know the plan and even scoured through my personal belongings (having Alex do the same thing) to eliminate anything that wasn’t required for the trip. We set things to one side that were essential.

I reworked both of our wardrobes to contain three colors full of layering pieces that would quick-dry if they needed to be hand washed. Three loads and I’d have them all done in a laundry facility. Period. It was going to be that easy.

Incorporation of Homeschooling

Alex was working up the travel plans as part of her home schooling. She was determining the places we would visit in Kentucky first – all of historical, artistic, cultural or “wow that’s so cool” varieties. She was to map out our path, determine (based on the current cost of gasoline and the MPG on the van) how much each leg of the trip would cost and how long it would take. She was going to be in charge (with my minimal guidance) of developing our travel budget and learning to navigate using maps and planning itineraries for our little adventure.

Journaling, geography, history, math, writing, discovery, even science and research all wrapped up into one adventure-packed school syllabus with daily hands on. She wouldn’t just be reading about places and people and events in the State (and the other states on our travel plans), she would be visiting them and seeing them and really “getting it” when she learned this year.

Seventh grade is the year to learn about the state. And we were going to go full-force with that this fall, until snow and freezing temperatures drove our little party south.

We would be spending quality mother-daughter time and making memories to last a lifetime. She, the baby in the family, would finally have my full attention. She’d been patient and waited for it and she deserves it. I wanted to make sure it happened now, before she hits that age when I become (overnight) an idiot that can’t possibly understand her or anything else. I think my transformation is slated for somewhere between her 13th and 14th year, so I was cutting it rather close.

During the winter, we were going to go to Florida and discover the beaches, learn about the shelling areas, study the history, the eco-system of the swamps and the glory of the ocean. Alex was going to swim with the Dolphins and I was finally going to get to see the Keys (something I’ve always wanted to do). We had plans to stay with three friends/family members and I was going to visit clients and professional peers in Florida during our jaunt and then we were headed out west.

It was all planned.

The Stopper

Life has a way of throwing you curve balls. Mine came on Thursday. My father got some really bad news from the doctor. Now, I’m afraid to leave. Petrified. Time is too precious to waste by traveling when I’m going to be needed close to home. There’s no way I can go.

Things they are a changin’

So today, the homeschooling started (I had expected to start her a month and a half later than traditional schools, because it was going to be a year-round school for her). I guess it’s a good thing that I hadn’t told her that it would be constant schooling. (I had hoped that we would be having so much fun, she’d hardly notice.)

Now, I’ll have to keep her going into the summer, and we will be staying off the road. Now, I’ve put her behind and will have to work hard to catch her up. She will be going well into the summer to meet her hours requirement. But, she had more hours last year than the state requires because I kept her going well past when everyone else was “out” for the summer. She also worked longer hours each day than standard classes in public school. And, when I was finished with my portion, Mom and Pops picked up and did an additional two weeks of math-intensive work with her that was above and beyond the “requirement.”

Rethinking “Home”

I’d set myself up in a temporary situation for the three-four month period (July to October) it would take to pull together the money and resources needed to buy the van, pay off some lingering debt, outfit the van and ourselves for the trip, and have some cash in hand for the adventure. Now, I get to figure all this out again.

The thought of returning to my hometown is depressing. The thought of not being close to my parents right now is worse. I am trying to figure out if I need to concentrate on my cabin and put the van up for sale, or if I need to keep the van and use it as a base to work while traveling back and forth from my cabin to my parents’ house. Maybe I should try to make shorter in-state trips when that’s possible for Alex’s school so we don’t lose the dream outright. Maybe just overnight trips once a month, when and if we can.

Heck, with the van completely outfitted, it may be JUST the key to being able to be stay close without losing autonomy. I guess I could try out all the systems and work out the rough patches while sitting still as easy (or easier) than I could while traveling cross country… but somehow that holds little charm and no adventure.

Taking off with my daughter to go discover the nation sounded exotic and exciting — bold and beautiful — trying it out by sitting still sounds more like desperation and homelessness. I think the new plan will probably incorporate a few short trips and the ability to set up an office that is mobile, while finishing off the cabin and staying close to my folks during the foreseeable future.

All I Know Is…

I’m frustrated and sad.

I feel helpless to assist those that need me the most right now and I’m depressed to be ditching the plans I’ve been making for the past many months — especially since I don’t have a clue what I’ll do instead and since these plans always get put on hold for some reason or another throughout the last few years. This, by far, is the worst way to end our plans and, simultaneously, the best reason to cancel them.

Breathing in and breathing out is probably the best idea at the moment. I’ve got to find my center. I’ve got to get to a place where I can think clearly. I’m sure the answer — the RIGHT answer — on what step to take next will come to me. Eventually…

In the meantime, I’ll be burrowing into my work and trying to get to a place where I can manage the unexpected more effectively and learn how to live while riding, instead of trying to steer this ship.

The harried pace that my life has been for many, MANY months is slowing down. It’s odd to have a few minutes to call my own per day — that aren’t taken up with business tasks, second job work tasks and domestic affairs.

I’m still doing the Census thing in addition to my “real” work,  but it’s tapering off, finally. Its been a great change of pace from my (usually) solitary work style. Changing my location before starting the new phase helped curb the Census mania. The current crew is much smaller, so there are fewer people to manage (20 instead of 200) and much of the work is in the rural parts of the state.

WickedWriter is gearing up lately, some great new clients have appeared in addition to my favorite long term clients — but even that boost in business seems manageable now. There are lots of inquiries lately, but I’ve only accepted a couple new folks that seemed to be a good fit. I’m getting back on a regular schedule so I don’t feel the obligation to work all night and then get up at the crack of dawn and start all over again. Money stretches further and the bills are much smaller.

My personal responsibilities are lighter, so my need to push hard all the time is starting to reduce to a manageable level. I actually have “down time” occasionally – and I sometimes watch a movie without trying to get something done WHILE watching. (That’s nice.)

Life has changed course dramatically (doesn’t it always have a habit of doing that?!), but I have to believe that all things happen for a reason.

The next couple of months should be interesting. The planning phase for my next adventure has begun and should be complete by October. Planning consists mainly of boiling down my life to core essentials and extracting everything that’s not in that category. But, planning is also mental — getting my head in the right place to take the next steps.

I did this once before and was almost there when my life exploded with people and activities and possibilities and responsibilities and love and all forms and varieties of external forces. Suddenly my simple life became less sitting still and more perpetual motion. I liked it, loved it even — but the time has come for yet another new beginning.

It’s easier to find my direction when not riding a roller-coaster. I’ve always adored roller coasters; I’ve always been an adrenaline-junkie. It’s exciting and fun and terrifying and a real rush — but it’s not really the best way to read a map or plot a course. It makes achieving goals more difficult.

As I make headway on the new plans, I’ll share — but for now, I’m plodding along looking for a sense of serenity and placing one foot carefully in front of the other. For now I’m securing what I need to take the next steps. For now, I’m ok.

A couple weeks ago my 12-year-old (who, coincidentally, reads on a late high school/early college level) brought home a permission slip from the local public middle school.

They wanted me to sign that I’d be financially responsible for audio books that she is going to be checking out. When I asked why she wanted to check out audio books when she reads faster than I do, she said that she wanted to do what the other kids did, and have the audio playing and follow along with her finger across the pages.

I nearly lost it. (And I don’t have that much sanity from the get-go, so I can’t afford to lose any.)

I followed my mommy-hunch and got online to check out her grades and saw a horrible grade in language arts — one that had plummeted in the past three weeks. I’m telling you, a child who reads and writes the way she does, has no reason to be struggling in a language arts (or any other) class. I asked her what was going on. We discussed it. The gist of it is …she’s bored.

I’m going to make sure she’s not bored. She’s being home schooled again. I tried the public school thing. I really did. I watched as she “slid” by in all her classes. I watched as she became bored and found ways to entertain herself. Thankfully, that was usually reading in class rather than paying attention. She reads 5-6 books a week on average, and sometimes more. Her choice of self-entertainment could have been so much worse.

I struggled with the guilt of leaving her potential in the hands of the public system. I reasoned that she needed the social contact, that I didn’t have the time, that everyone else left their kids in the public system so it must not be as bad as I thought (knowing full well I was lying to myself).

Once I made the decision, I expected a backlash of internal panic. It didn’t come. I expected the dread of one more thing perched, teetering on the summit of my very VERY full plate. It didn’t come. The strangest thing happened, instead…

I felt at peace. I knew that I was on the right path. I’m not stupid, and I’ve done this enough before to know that it will keep me hopping. But, I now know that I’m doing the best I can to ensure her long-term success by handing her the tools and instructing her on how to use them myself.

I don’t know if I’ll keep her out for all of the middle school years. I don’t know if I’ll break down and let her go back to “the system” in high school. Time will tell. I do know that with a mind as absorbent and “sponge-like” as hers is right now, it is immoral (if not criminal) to not throw everything possible at it.

I may not be able to change the world, or joust the windmills of the status quo, but I can do my level best to improve my little corner of the world and to give my youngest child the tools she needs to succeed.

I wish I could believe in the public system. I can’t. So, I’ll exercise my right to do it myself. I have to go now… we are studying the last Czars of Russia.