A couple weeks ago my 12-year-old (who, coincidentally, reads on a late high school/early college level) brought home a permission slip from the local public middle school.

They wanted me to sign that I’d be financially responsible for audio books that she is going to be checking out. When I asked why she wanted to check out audio books when she reads faster than I do, she said that she wanted to do what the other kids did, and have the audio playing and follow along with her finger across the pages.

I nearly lost it. (And I don’t have that much sanity from the get-go, so I can’t afford to lose any.)

I followed my mommy-hunch and got online to check out her grades and saw a horrible grade in language arts — one that had plummeted in the past three weeks. I’m telling you, a child who reads and writes the way she does, has no reason to be struggling in a language arts (or any other) class. I asked her what was going on. We discussed it. The gist of it is …she’s bored.

I’m going to make sure she’s not bored. She’s being home schooled again. I tried the public school thing. I really did. I watched as she “slid” by in all her classes. I watched as she became bored and found ways to entertain herself. Thankfully, that was usually reading in class rather than paying attention. She reads 5-6 books a week on average, and sometimes more. Her choice of self-entertainment could have been so much worse.

I struggled with the guilt of leaving her potential in the hands of the public system. I reasoned that she needed the social contact, that I didn’t have the time, that everyone else left their kids in the public system so it must not be as bad as I thought (knowing full well I was lying to myself).

Once I made the decision, I expected a backlash of internal panic. It didn’t come. I expected the dread of one more thing perched, teetering on the summit of my very VERY full plate. It didn’t come. The strangest thing happened, instead…

I felt at peace. I knew that I was on the right path. I’m not stupid, and I’ve done this enough before to know that it will keep me hopping. But, I now know that I’m doing the best I can to ensure her long-term success by handing her the tools and instructing her on how to use them myself.

I don’t know if I’ll keep her out for all of the middle school years. I don’t know if I’ll break down and let her go back to “the system” in high school. Time will tell. I do know that with a mind as absorbent and “sponge-like” as hers is right now, it is immoral (if not criminal) to not throw everything possible at it.

I may not be able to change the world, or joust the windmills of the status quo, but I can do my level best to improve my little corner of the world and to give my youngest child the tools she needs to succeed.

I wish I could believe in the public system. I can’t. So, I’ll exercise my right to do it myself. I have to go now… we are studying the last Czars of Russia.

I’ve completely fallen off the blogging wagon. I can show you the bruises…

Over the past year, I’ve let my blogging slide. I’ve found a few other ways to express my verbal tendencies — one of which may well be raising my voice to all the children that are now a part of my daily life. It’s odd to go from the responsibility of a single charge to a houseful of people in a matter of just a few months.

I laughed to my mother the other day that I was looking forward to the time when it would just be the six of us. Now, consider that statement for a moment if you will… “I’m looking forward to when it will just be the SIX of us…” Wow. Never would have thought I’d ever be saying anything like that. Not in my wildest dreams… but here I am. Even more amazing… I’m happy to be here!

When you are a single parent and you become serious about another single parent… and you both have “adoption” tendencies… the house gets really full, really fast. He has four and I have three and there’s a handful of “adopted” children between us. And, we have had a family member with failing health move in as well. So, yeah, I’ll be glad when it’s just the six of us — my daughter, his son and daughter (all under legal age), the family member, him and me.

The others — all technically adults, but not quite “adult” yet — will be moving out soon. And, then we can get back into the swing of a “normal-for-us” family routine. We may have to create our own “normal” at that point.

It was so funny last month when my sister invited my crew to a birthday “thing” to celebrate my mother’s birthday (and my own).

My sister who has her hands full with her own daily life involving only one adult and one child in her home, decided to cook for my whole crew, her family and our folks. About mid-way through the meal, she got up from the table to tend to some of the food, blew a strand of hair out of her face in exasperation and said, “I don’t know how you do it! I’ve been cooking for two days for this one meal!”

I didn’t have the heart to tell her that my crew likes to eat three times a day… plus snacks. I also resisted the wicked urge to tell her that I was also working 30-35 hours a week with the Census (I’m a recruiter) and that was in addition to the full-time job of running my writing business and tending my marketing clients.

Yeah, life is busy and having my sister give me props provided me a great deal of joy, I must admit.

So, even though I’m journaling in tiny little blurbs (on my iPhone, no less) to keep a record of what I do and when I do it, I’m not doing much of the standard writing that I’ve always done. I have been able to do a bit more on the novel than I expected — but only because when I have to choose between screaming and cursing or writing… I choose writing. And, at that point, I seldom choose the blog as the platform.

After all, when I’m feeling all angsty and full and angry… I’m pretty darn creative. And, what I have to say is better said as fiction, not as a rant on my blog — right?!?

I’m trying to determine how to continue to juggle all the balls that keep flying into the air over my head. So far, I’ve been too busy with that to worry too much over the fact that my regular blog has primarily been good for creating feelings of guilt and failure over the last few months.

I’m wondering if I should work on some of the fiction here on the blog or if I should continue to keep it under wraps and work on it in private… by candlelight, under the covers, when no one is looking… as is my habit.

For now, I’m trying to keep my sanity until the household thins out and I can determine (in a more logical way) what my personal and professional priorities are — aside from the familial obligations. And I’m working on getting my infamous “systems” in place to make daily life a bit easier so I have more free time. Maybe, someday soon, I’ll have fewer minute, inane, insipid questions and slews of blasted decisions that have to be answered, made or handled every few minutes.

Maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to recapture a “flow” in life that will allow me to write more. Maybe…*sigh*

After a year and a half of singing the praises of my iMac to anyone who would tolerate it, my iMac died. The warranty was over six months ago, of course. So, at first I thought it was a hard drive issue. I researched and tried to figure out how to use my non-firewire MacBook to transfer the information using “target disk mode” which was impossible, the best I can tell.

After a week of working whenever I had a free moment, I gave up and trotted it into the Geek Squad and had them check it out. Apparently, it’s not  disk problem, it’s a motherboard problem (Oh, LOVELY!) So, I bought a hard drive enclosure and came home and voided my warranty, which as we had already established, was already void. I pulled out the hard drive and then spent forever getting all the stuff off it and onto my MacBook.

I still love mac, but I’m less thrilled with the iMac for obvious reasons. I mean, seriously, a screen of that size and there’s no way to even use it as a second monitor (no video input option)??!!? Seriously?! What an insanely expensive paperweight I now own.

I’m using the MacBook as my only computer at the moment. It makes me nervous, since I carry the little guy with me everywhere. REALLY nervous. But that’s where I am now.

I’ve been perusing some of the freebie and low-cost options to improve my iMac and my MacBook and to make my iPhone a better organizational and entertaiment all-in-one tool. I found some really cool stuff, and I thought I’d share!

Fluid – Tired of having that slow-down-to-a-crawl experience in your current browser when you have a slew of web-apps open at once? Me too! I was looking for a way to shortcut some of the more essential ones (like Google Apps) onto my Mac’s dock when I tripped across this little gem. It’s a free download and saves a great deal of time by turning your favorite URLs into great little custom-icon encrusted goodness!

iPhone Explorer – Wanna drag and drop stuff onto your iphone from your Mac? Yeah, me too. Here’s a freebie program for just that purpose. Why carry an additional flash drive? Not only for Macs, it’s also available for PC platforms.

HuluDesktop – stay logged into this sleekly designed desktop (adjustable sized) one-stop for your favorite TV shows, clips and full-length feature films. It also allows the use of your iMac remote (or the remote on your iPhone). Keep it in your dock, you’ll need it. Now, if ONLY they would make an iPhone app for Hulu… pretty please?!?

VLC media player – I discovered this during my Linux days and I keep a copy of this on EVERY machine I’ve touched since then. Why scramble around looking for something to play this format or that format in audio or video when this one plays (almost) all of them?

HandBrake – fruity little video decoder and wonder tool that lets me rip that DVD I love and move it from the dusty shelf into a properly formatted and awesome iPhone format so I can take it with me and actually FINALLY get around to watching it — something I seldom have time to do in one sitting or in front of a big screen. I’m all about the mobility and the “being entertained” instead of being frustrated when I find myself in situations where I have to wait on anyone or anything. (Also good for other formats, btw, and works on Linux and PC as well as Mac. Try it, you will like it!)

Seashore – A quick image editor. Want to crop and change an image a little without having to learn an entire manual of stuff (like you do with GIMP?) If you are working under the 80/20 rule you are probably going to want to try this little gem.It’s quick, it’s easy and it’s not for big hairy jobs — but it may be JUST what you need.

Stanza – Making your Mac work as a master library server to get every ebook you ever imagined on your iPhone. Love it, love it, love it. Did I mention I love it?!? (Also works for PC.) Download the app for your iPhone too!

I hope you enjoy these as much as I do! And here are some Free Fonts for Mac too, so you can expand your fonts with these free fonts (available for commercial use).

The last couple of months have been extremely busy. Business is a bit slower than usual and I’ve picked up work with the Census on the side. Sooooo…

When I’m not working on client stuff, and I’m not cooking meals and being domestic, and I’m not working on my second job (I still can’t believe how much I’m enjoying working for the government), I’m taking the time to write.

I’m carving out tiny bits of time here and there. I’m feeling overwhelmed on a regular basis. Family life has changed dramatically in the last month as our household has grown to include three additional souls. We moved in September to a larger place (which was, as it turns out, done just in the nick of time!)

I love the new place, but wish I had time WITH my man to do little things like finish arranging furniture to be more “us” and to hang a few pictures on the walls. That would be nice.

Right now, it’s not happening. We are barreling down on the holiday season, so I don’t think it will be happening any time soon. There are a slew of other unexpected demands on our time that keep pulling us away from the tasks we would like to start (or complete).

Overall, life is pretty sweet, despite all the challenges. And, as always, I cope by writing. When I get so stressed out that I can’t bear my own company, there is only ONE cure — I must write.

I realized the other day that writing is the one thing I do that can turn a horrible day into a great one. That’s quite a feat! It’s not something I’ve always known, I had to be taught. I have always known that finding the time to write made me happy, but I didn’t know that stopping everything else and TAKING the time to write could turn around a crappy day.

My boyfriend helped me figure that one out. He always asks me how my day is — not the kind of “how are you” that people ask you on the street and never pause to hear the answer and not the “how was your day” which is just a segue for many people to endure one or two sentences from you before driving a truck over you to tell you about their own. He really wants to know. And when I’ve had a rough one, he asks why. And when it’s been good, he asks why.

Sounds simple, huh? Well the other day, my morning was horrid. And by the afternoon, it was good. He asked me what turned it around. I told him I took off an hour to write on my novel. I went to a restaurant, sat down, ordered myself something to eat and typed. This was a luxury I’d never permit myself on a normal day.

I didn’t stop and I didn’t slow down. I just typed. I stopped only to eat my meal and in between bites, I typed some more.

I left the restaurant with an inspired feeling and a short scene to my novel in first draft form. And, I felt like I was walking on clouds! Even the guilt for eating out alone didn’t blemish my joy… much.

So now, I try to squeeze in some time to write. This is the first year in the last three that I didn’t stress out trying to do the daily blog in November. And that “write a novel in a month” deal is insane for me (it depressed me before and made me feel like a loser of gargantuan proportions.) I didn’t want to feel that way again this year. I’d do it if I were independently wealthy and didn’t have the kids all at home (not to mention the other demands on my time.) I just can’t even bear to try it again this year. Maybe next year.

Now, I’m using my iPhone’s recording feature to capture ideas when I’m driving down the road, I’ve loaded up podcasts of famous writers and writing topic courses and inspiration from iTunes University. I use the Amazing Note app to capture snippets of thoughts when wake up in the middle of the night with something on my mind, and no pencil or paper in sight. I carry a book with me everywhere I go. I purchased a small moleskine to keep with me again (I’d gotten out of that habit some time back), and I pay extra close attention to the people around me and the environments I find myself in each day. I notice how people walk, how they talk, what attitudes they radiate, how they weave their words and what makes them smile or scowl.

The Census work gets me out of the house (I’m actually doing recruiting and giving tests for them now before the big push in the spring.) It’s keeping me busy and is taking me outside of my usual element — and sometimes even my comfort zone.

Yeah, recruiting in some of the downtown areas in Lexington is a whole new world. But coincidentally, the novel I started nearly a year ago with a few rough notes and a hope for time to continue… is based in a town about the size of Lexington. How great is that?

So, the Census work is helping me to shape and sculpt my novel. It’s still in novel infancy, barely a bookish zygote, but it’s there. It’s real. It’s finally happening. And, discovering that it can turn a day from hell into a day of joy encourages me to give myself permission to write instead of doing all the other myriad of things that I really “should” be doing.

The fact is, I’m a better person when I carve out some time to write. I feel better. I’m a better mother, better daughter, better girlfriend. I’m just better.

So, my blog may be sparse. I’m still around kicking and scratching in the Internet world… just not with the same frequency that I once was.

I’m online updating FaceBook nearly every day, since that’s something I can do on the fly (I LOVE my iPhone!!) but I’ve not taken the time to blog properly.

I should probably say that I’m going to try to remedy that, but, as long as I’m feeling inspired, I’ll write on the novel. That’s the fact.

In the meantime, catch me on FaceBook. I don’t have the time or desire to twitter so much these days. From a marketing standpoint, with Google’s recent decision to spider the tweeting masses, I probably should — but that’s not what makes me happy. Not right now.

Right now, meeting my obligations, helping the kids, spending a few stolen minutes with my sweetie and running my business and holding down a second job is what I do. And when I have a few extra moments that I can sleep or write… I write.

It’s more than a hobby, it’s more than a desire, it’s a compulsion. And, it’s a compulsion that’s finally garnered my attention.

I guess, if I’m middle aged now, it makes sense that life is gaining momentum and the days, weeks, months and years are whizzing by with alarming speed. But, I must admit…I resent it.

I’m finally at the age where I know what I want. I don’t just THINK I know and I’m no longer juggling a million options to fling myself into auto-overwhelm. Nope, now I know. Narrowing options is actually pretty liberating. Weird, huh?

The surprising thing is that it’s pretty simple.

I’ve never been horribly domestic. Don’t get me wrong, I have my moments and some of them are even extended… but it’s never really been in my nature. Now it seems like cooking a good meal and having a clean, comfortable living environment is as important as any personal project on my list. WTH? My housework has always been the FIRST thing to go when life stresses me out. The house falls to shambles while I dig out the “important” stuff like client projects and calls from family and friends asking for help. Now, it’s the one thing I try to maintain when life hands me a mini-maelstrom.

Maybe, it’s because I don’t really have much left to prove. I’m comfortable with my own company (and boy, THAT took a lot of years!) I like the life I have inside the four walls at home.  I’d love to roll out of bed without an alarm each morning (or even ONE morning) and think to myself “What would I like to do with my life today?” instead of the typical, “Oh HELL, I’m going to have to push to get it all done today!” I’m tired of being behind before the blur has lifted and my eyes are able to focus.

I want to have lazy days – not once in a blue moon, mind you, I want that to be the rule rather than the exception. I want to throw myself into a single project and follow it through to the end without having to juggle dozens of others in spurts while trying to finish any single one to my satisfaction. I’m just too old for this crap.

It seems that, at this point, the struggle should have subsided a bit. Instead, I find that I’m pulled in even more directions and I’m tired.

I’m not spending enough time with my family, I’m not accomplishing enough for my clients to suit me, I’m taking on additional work not related to my long term goals (dang economy) and all I really want to do is gear down — even as I find the need to ramp it all up.

I had managed to get to a point in the not-so-distant past, when I could get up and decide what I wanted to do today. It was glorious. It was also short-lived. I made decisions that changed my life. They were good decisions that made my life richer and more fulfilling, but today is much more hectic.

I’m selfish… I want both.

At the moment, I’m too tired to even do the “full scale evaluation” that always makes my children, family and friends duck and hide. (It’s the process during which I tear apart everything in my life, usually starting with the house and including everything that has EVER been on my “to do” list and strive to create some new system that’s going to fix it all and get me organized on some bloody cosmic level.)

It scares people. And, it is about as attainable as that “perfect purse” I have been seeking for decades. I just don’t see the point in any dramatic, sweeping overhauls anymore. So, I plug away while the term “quiet desperation” comes to mind, which I find morbidly depressing.

I find myself counting down to when I’ll have all the kids out of the house. THAT has become a goal. Sad, isn’t it? Parenting exhausts me. Working exhausts me. Very few things DON’T exhaust me. And I find myself wondering if punching someone else’s clock would be easier, less stressful and more palatable at this point in my life.

Then, I listen to people who DO work in traditional careers. I hear them complain and recount the “workplace” dramas, the stress and the lack of control over their schedules and their lives… and I realize that although my boss can be a bear, I’ll take life I’ve built, thank you very much.

After ten years, I know that the truth of “working for yourself” is actually working for multiple bosses (clients), but since I get to pick them, I’m pleased with the results. But, I do sometimes wish I could punch a clock and then let it all go when I got home. I wish that making dinner , blogging, helping with homework or taking a shower wasn’t something that I had to do when I “should” be working. I’d managed to overcome that before the economy tanked and, like all other freelancers and independents out there, I’m finding it more difficult right now.

So, once I manage to catch up… if that ever happens again… maybe I’ll find a way to reach my goals. Perhaps, I’ll be able to gear back a bit, raise a garden, decorate my home, write my novel and enjoy life a bit more. Until then, I’ll probably continue to feel old and overwhelmed and resentful that something I have no control over (the economy) has reached in and has shaken things up at the point I’d just started enjoy calm waters.

So, I’m working today, minding my own business…when someone calls the house phone. I answer. (Mistake number one, I should NEVER do that while trying to work.) The lady on the other end asks if I know the neighbor down the street. I don’t.

She wants to know if I can get a message to her. I say, “That depends, what is your company?” She says she can’t give out that kind of confidential information. (Hmmm… but she wants me to carry messages for her down the block?) I asked how she got this number. It was “listed” as a neighbor contact, she says. I think that maybe my significant other knows something about this that I don’t, so I continue the call.

I told her that the kids knew her kids, but before getting them involved, I needed to know if they were attempting to collect a bill (I just had that feeling). She said no, that she is not collecting a bill, she’s unable to verify references for this neighbor and is trying to help her. She says it’s really important.

I said, “So you have THIS number, but you don’t have a number for the neighbor you are trying to reach? And none of her references are verifying?” She said, “Yes.”

I asked, “Did she give you THIS number?” She said, “No.”

I asked how she got it. She said she looked it up.

I said, “Ohhhh, so you looked her up online and are calling based on our geographic proximity to her?” “Yes,” she finally admitted, “but it’s imperative we get in touch with her.”

I take the name, extension and number and then tell her NEVER to call here again and hang up.

I look up the number she gave me, it’s (best I can tell) a collection agency. I also look up the number on the caller ID (865-687-8993 – Divis O). Apparently that’s not a name, it stands for “Operations Division.”

I have to wonder if having neighbors spy and give messages and information out is a legal (I know it’s not a moral/ethical) way to get information to collect a debt.

Geeze!

For more information on these jokers, check out these sites:

• http://whocallsme.com/Phone-Number.aspx/8656878993
• http://www.budhibbs.com/collectorpages/gc_services.htm
• http://www.complaintsboard.com/complaints/gc-services-c10510.html

(Image courtesy of morguefile.)

You have heard the old query… “If you had 24 hours to live, how would you spend them?” And I’m sure that thinking about this semi-regularly is probably a good idea. At the very least, it’s humbling.

Sure, I’d like to say that I’d go skydiving or something that I’ve always wanted to try. The fact is, I wouldn’t.

When you are a parent, it seems like a luxury to even CONSIDER doing anything for yourself for 24 hours… much less to actually DO it — even if those were the LAST 24 hours you had.

Heck, I’d be running around trying to figure out how to make sure my kids were ok once I was gone.

Besides, I reason, I’m at an age now that I’d probably break a leg or something if I jumped out of a plane to try skydiving and would spend my last few hours on earth in an emergency room. So, my future in hell would begin early.

If time is all we have, then why is it always so disposable, so hard to hold onto, and so “grabbed at” by everyone else? Why isn’t it more sacred? More appreciated? Considered more valuable?

Labor saving devices don’t really give us any more free time. Time management systems just frustrate us and require us to learn new software, carry more stuff around, and/or read a bunch of books on the topic from “so called” professionals in the time management industry. The fact that an industry has popped up around this should be a dire warning to anyone taking “time management” too seriously. I think “time management” is an oxymoron, like “quality fast food” or “fair taxes” but I’d have to study it more to be sure.

The digital world takes more time than the pleasure it offers us in return. We create and/or buy machines and services… EXPENSIVE machines and services… that we have to work longer hours to afford, to help us more creatively waste the time we do have. Think TV, think cable, think cell phones, think high-speed Internet.

Communication takes a great deal of our time, even if it’s been truncated into flat, textureless, flavorless, one-character words and images sent via thumb-presses over a cell phone. There is no time when we are “unconnected” and there is no “downtime.” We are omni-available. We are always on call. We are at everyone’s mercy and seemingly take no personal control to say… NO!

When do we rest… really rest… in this modern world? Why do we feel guilty if we want to unplug and become unreachable for even a few hours or *gasp* a few days?

I love my technology and I love my life, most days. But I do wonder what it would be like to disappear for some well-deserved “me time” — and I wonder if it would be worth the joy it would bring, of if I’d spend the whole time worried about what was happening while I was gone… or what I’d have to face and the messes I’d have to clean up when I returned.

Maybe it’s not a technology or a modern life thing… maybe it’s just me.  Maybe I’m incapable of slowing down and letting go. Maybe I need to begin smaller and learn to mediate for a few minutes a day. Maybe I need to take a walk (without the iPhone) more often. Maybe I need to carve out a little time each day that belongs to just me. Maybe I just miss the farm and need a “farm fix.”

All I know is that I need something, something peaceful and sweet, something refreshing and fulfilling, something selfish.

Well, spam has finally moved from my computer to my cell phone. I’m hating this crap! I get probably a dozen calls a week from various numbers all over the USA with an automated voice telling me that this is my second and final notice that the warranty on my car is about to expire.

If only this really WAS the final notice, it wouldn’t be a problem. The problem is… It never is the final anything.

They are also using my toll-free number, which transfers to my cell when I’m out of the office, so I get the joy of paying twice for each blasted call.

And the best part? My car is so old that no one would EVER offer a warranty. Ditto for my trucks and my beep-beep. I’m just not a new car gal. I’ve never owned a new car, and I never plan to. Why would I do that? It’s fiscally irresponsible, IMHO. But back to the calls…

I’ve done a bit of research and there are many others enjoying the same harrassment, and there seems to be no remedy. I’ve been blocking the numbers I can, but they change daily and it’s becoming a full-time job just to try to do so. The numbers are apparently spoofed, since you can’t call the numbers back.

If anyone has found a solution for this, I’d love to hear it. In the meantime, I’ll continue to grit my teeth.

I know, I know, I’m always complaining about these things…

But I got a referral to a dermatologist recently. Not a big deal, just a little bump that needed to be checked out. I traveled two hours to get there because the referral was made before my recent move North. Not a huge deal, but not much fun early on a Friday morning.

It also decided to snow that morning. After 70+ degree temps, it decided to snow. So be it.

My iPhone mapping program apparently didn’t have the most recent maps and sent me to BFE instead of to the new medical plaza area in Somerset, KY. I arrived on time, but barely.

When I arrived, I was asked for my insurance card. Not a problem. I was then asked for my social security number. I’m used to avoiding this issue. I’ve not had to raise my voice or tilt my tone over this in many months because I selected an insurance provider that doesn’t require that I use this as a form of identification. I like that. I refuse to give such info to just anyone. It’s unnecessary.

I explained that my group and member number would suffice. They disagreed. They also asked me for a copy of my drivers license. I asked why they needed it. They needed a photo ID. I asked why.

Because, I was told, it would protect me from anyone claiming to be me walking in and getting my private records. It was for my own good, they said. I asked how that would protect me. They said that they made a copy of the photo ID and put it in my file and it was in their computer so they would compare it to anyone asking for my info. I told them I understood and handed them a copy of my business card, which has a photo image on the front.

They said that was unacceptable. They needed an official photo. I regurgitated the reason they had just given me and said (holding the image up to my face) that this should suffice to visually identify me should that need ever arise.

They said it was a new mandate and was going into effect next year. I told them we could discuss it next year. They said that it had to be in order by April 1st for their office. I pointed out that it was not yet the end of March, so I shouldn’t be affected. Long story short… I was denied service because I would not produce my drivers license.

I didn’t really care for their privacy policy either, which stated that I could request that they not share my information, but they had final say on that and although they would take my wishes into consideration, they would do as they pleased. Isn’t that cool? I’m so glad they would consider my wishes about my information. They are so thoughtful!

Might I also add that they got all squirrel-ly when I asked to see a copy of the privacy policy that I was signing the paper to say that I’d been provided. They finally handed me a framed copy under glass, rather than one I could keep with my own records.

They were also a bit huffy when I prepared to leave and asked that my papers (the ones I filled out with my personal information before I was declined service) be returned to me. I was told they would shred them. I told them no, that they would hand them over to me and I would shred them myself. I stood there unmoving, unflinching until the receptionist rightly determined that I’d be less trouble if they just handed over the papers in question than if she continued to decline my request.

I cannot possibly be the only person in the world that refuses to cough up every piece of personal information requested when seeking services. Note that word… SERVICES. I’m paying for them, I should be treated accordingly.

When I went to the local hospital later that same day for some x-rays (it was a whole tripping over the dog in the middle of the night, catching myself in the dark and subsequently spraining my thumb and knocking it completely out of socket incident)… I was not treated like an idiot when I declined to give them my social security number. They always ask, I always decline. It’s not a big deal. They don’t decline to offer me service.

Are people so eager to share this info that they assume that if it’s requested that it’s required? Does no one question these things anymore? Am I just bringing drama to my door by refusing?

This last week was an interesting one for people in Kentucky. The weather took an twist and I must say I actually enjoyed the whole experience. I know many people were without basic services, and my opinion may be slanted by the fact that I didn’t lose electric or water. I only had a short stint without the Internet.

I spent the time visiting, cooking, relaxing and generally enjoying my little weather-induced mini-vacation. The weekend brought temperatures in the 50s and 60s and all the ice and snow that was frosting my world is gone. The weatherman says we may be in store for a bit more snow today and tomorrow, but nothing will match the huge silver-dollar sized flake-clusters that fell from the sky or the uber-thick coating of ice on each tiny sprig of grass on the ground, branch on every tree and everything else.

I hate that there was so much destruction. (My parents lost most of the old trees (and many of the younger ones) in their yard.) But the natural world in turmoil sure adds a new facet to things. It was so pretty and so deadly. That mix is oddly compelling. I spent much of my time out taking photos and the one posted here is one of my favorites. I hope all my friends are recovering and that everyone has power back.

And regardless of how it makes me sound… I miss the ice.

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted a rant. So, if you want kindness or technical assistance this is not the post for you (use the search box to find a less angsty post on the topic of your choice.)

If you like a good rant… you are in luck!

I have my roots in media. One of my most enjoyable, challenging and rewarding professional stints was as a reporter and later as a managing editor of a small newspaper. I ponder that time of my life fondly now (in my dotage) and wonder at the amount of energy I had to do all that way back when. Gee what I wouldn’t give for some… even just a little of that now!

Today, the written word is my favorite tool and past time and passion. I think it always will be.

But what I see in the media now absolutely curls my toes (and not in a good way!) There is no relationship between truth and what is written in the mainstream publications. Particular offenders are local newspapers and television newscasts.

Larger papers, assumed to be more reserved with stories more carefully crafted and with a team of fact-checkers on staff, are now slinging sensationalism too. It used to be that I avoided even looking at the “weekly” rags at the checkout line at the grocery store. I’ve NEVER purchased one (nor do I ever intend to). But today, even the local papers use those same reporting “techniques.”

If I had been the editor when some of the recent news stories were submitted, some reporting “heads” would have rolled. I would have benched them or fired them. Period. There’s not even a half-hearted attempt to get facts right in “news” stories…even to the point of the basics (who, what, where, when, how)… even THESE they get wrong.

As far as reporting voice and tone — it’s more like a Stephen King novel than a report. A reporter, people, is supposed to REPORT — hence the name. Capture the reader with your headline, sure, but tell the facts in an unbiased and well researched way in the body.

There, I said it.

A writer of FICTION gets to make it up and “fill in the blanks” between the missing bits of reality strung together for entertainment purposes. This type of writing is not reporting. See the difference?  If you have an opinion, it belongs on the OP/ED page — not on the front page.

If you must create stories (which isn’t a bad thing… at all… so long as you don’t try to pass it off as truth) — then write fiction. As a fiction writer, you can play free and easy with the facts as much as you like. It hurts no one. It’s not unethical or immoral then. Then, it’s properly seen as entertainment. Then it’s fun.

And if you are an news editor, and you are letting this half-baked crap be sent to the press you should be ashamed. Where are the Publishers, to fire the editors who don’t fire the reporters for this shameful work product?

Does life not have enough real drama? Must more be created by our “news” outlets? Are the traditional, once respectable, news venues so desperate to hang on financially that they have sold out their rightful role as the watchdog of our society just to sell a few more papers? Are the continuing education classes for journalists now being sponsored by The Enquirer?

How disgusting I find it all.

Every year, every January 1st, I have this great hope that the upcoming year will be a bright and beautiful one. For years, I’ve been less than pleased with the results. This year, I’m already happy with the new year.

Well, that may be a bit misleading since my life started getting REALLY good (for no particular, identifiable reason) about the middle of last month. Decembers usually suck for me. It’s a fact. But this one was lovely.

I’m not sure what it was. I’m not sure what was different. Maybe it’s that I worked to eliminate stress. Maybe it’s that I actually completed my taxes before going on a two week vacation for the holidays.

Maybe it’s that I’ve quit stressing over the fact that I’m not living on the farm. I realize now that despite the fact that I have to wait for Internet to reach the farm (and not the slower-than-dial-up satellite I can get there now), before I can move there full-time — that it WILL happen. I’ll live there again.

It’s hit me that knowing my “end game” — that I’ll end up on the farm — makes when that happens less important. It could be next year or in three decades. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that between now and then, I’ve got a life that should be viewed as adventure. And I have a place to land when I’m ready to quit adventuring. A place that belongs to me.

I have one child still at home and my biggest concern for her is her education. If I have to move to get her what she needs, I’ll do it. It’s an adventure.

If I need to home school her (although I prefer not to do that, since she’s soon going to need much more depth and breadth than I can do easily while working full-time), I’ll do it. I’ll do whatever is in her best interest.

I have seven more years before she’s out on her own, and my job as an active parent is over. Then I’ll be more of an “adviser” parent to her — like I am to the boys. Of course, she may want that advice more than they do… or she may not.

I’ve spent my life planning for tomorrow and failing to really live in the today.

Suddenly, in the past three weeks or so, I’ve gotten much better at living in the now. I’m doing what’s required to lessen my debts, the mass of details I’m juggling, the number of belongings I have to maintain. The whole process has been quite liberating. I’ve simplified my business life considerably. I’m working now on continuing the progress on the personal side. Simple is best. Always has been.

I’ve preached simplicity for years, but I’m just now making real headway toward it on an elemental level for myself.

So life is good and 2009, despite my misgivings over the economy and politics of the current day, is looking pretty good for me. It’s ironic. I’m not going to investigate the why too long. I like things the way they are now and feel no urge to over-analyze it.

Now THAT’s new.

I’ve been remiss in my blogging duties this month. (That always happens after a grueling round of “every day blogging” in November.) So, it’s probably a good time to be tagged with a blog meme, right? I just got tagged by Kris Rowlands over on Fresh Focus.

Guess that’s ONE way to get my butt more productive, eh, Kris?

So here we go with the dirt on me…

1. I’m a bit of a conspiracy theorist. I can’t help it. It’s in my genes. Today, my eldest son told me that the reason he’s a weirdo is because I made it impossible to avoid, genetically. So be it.

2. If I found out I was dying, the first thing I’d do is go buy a pack of cigarettes and smoke them all. I used to smoke… alot. I started smoking at age 15 (although I tried it several times before then). I continued to smoke until I was in my 30s when I put down my two pack-a-day habit. I never smoked in front of my kids or while I was pregnant and stayed “in the closet” all that time. There isn’t a week that goes by that I don’t miss it. During times of stress, it’s a daily urge.

3. I’ve been married for 18 years — just under half of my life. This marital longevity was made possible through three marriages (and divorces). I’m a serial monogamist, methinks. Horrific isn’t it? I can now say that I’m completely cured of any lingering romantic notions or illnesses. I’ll not walk down any aisles again. (Heck, even long hallways give me the heebie-geebies.)

4. I recently developed vertigo when in a high place, that was something new to go with the terrible motion sickness I get and the fact that I’m a tad claustrophobic. Needless to say, I’m all KINDS of fun on those huge cruise ships. Especially in the tiny cabin rooms on rough seas.

5. When I finish raising my youngest (who will be 11 in a few days), I’ll probably throw a backpack and a one-man tent on the back of a motorcycle and head out west to see some of the stuff I’ve not yet seen. I expect to be gone for several months. If I get really brave, I may do it before then and make it a larger bike (with a passenger seat) and a two person tent. Time will tell.

6. I’ve learned to quit jousting windmills and spend my energies in more productive manners, most of the time. I no longer fight city hall just because the fight needs to be fought. I figure I spent most of my teens and twenties and (especially) my thirties doing that. I’ve taken my turn and it’s time for the younger crew to take a shift. I’m not saying I won’t fight… I just don’t go in search of a war anymore. (I do, however, reserve the right to reverse that particular decision at any moment.)

7. Organizing my surroundings, eliminating what’s not essential and reducing my personal use of resources isn’t just a thing I do, it actually gets me all excited. I love it. And tiny houses/living spaces are the coolest. It makes me happy. I know… more weirdness.

Now you know seven oddities about me (trust me, there are many MANY more).

Now, I’ll call out seven people who I suspect of being closet weirdos — or who desperately need to make a fresh blog entry. I just won’t identify which is which!

Don’t hate me, folks… just spreading the meme love (and looking for something juicy to gossip about!)

Jeff Aughey | follow him on twitter

Jodi Diehl | follow her on twitter

Tim Kulig | (Poor guy, hasn’t discovered twitter yet)

Whitney Bishop | follow her on twitter

Anna Baron | follow her on twitter

Rocky Turner | follow her on twitter

Nan (aka RoguePuppet) | follow her on twitter

I know, it’s an old topic with me, but I can’t help it…

The holidays bring out the worst in me where the public school system is concerned. Please note: I like the people at Alex’s elementary school — especially the principal. They are caring, concerned and hard-working individuals.

With that said… our public school system sucks!

Point One:

There is no science in fifth grade. Why? Because the State of Kentucky doesn’t TEST on science in fifth grade. My daughter does, however, have TWO social studies classes this year. I’m assuming that means that the fifth grade tests for social studies skills, eh? Teaching to the test makes me nuts.

I think she would really get jazzed about science this year. I think the iron is hot now. Of course, what do I know? I’m just a mom.

Point Two:

I had a visit from the Truancy officer last week. Why? Because it bugs the crap out of me that I need to send in notes from doctors when she goes to a dentist/eye/doctor appointment. I won’t do it until it’s absolutely required.

If I hadn’t sworn off drama, I’d probably let them take me to court just to make my point about such things and get my statement in the local paper. As it is, I’m trying to avoid drama. So, I gave them the notes from the doctor/dentist/optometrist. (Note: I do my best to make appointments after school whenever possible, but many offices aren’t open after she gets home from school.)

I did hold her out for one half-day session when she wasn’t sick — when she told me that they were not going to be doing any classwork (it was a “free day”). I did this because I had to go out of town the previous evening to sit with my father and I needed to get her glasses Rx checked that next morning. By the time I would have been able to get her back, there may have been 45 minutes of “school” left — and I’d have to return to that same out-of-town location to care for my father over that weekend. It just didn’t seem worth the gas, time and effort. So sue me. (It was counted as a full day absence, BTW, not a half-day.)

Yes, I know that I can write four “parent notes” and I know that after that I need to have “legitimate” excuses for her absence. And, I guess I’ll do that too, it just bugs me that me looking at a glassy-eyed child who has just thrown up doesn’t count as legitimate. It bugs me that when I pick her up, sick, from school (after they call me to come get her) and keep her in bed the next day — it’s unexcused. I’m so sorry she didn’t make a miraculous recovery in 12 hours and needed a full day in bed. Geeze!

It bugs me that it requires an MD to be “legitimate” — and a visit to the doctor (complete with bill) so I can be told “rest, fluids and time” is what she needs. Or worse… to be given a slew of symptom-treating drugs that does nothing to change the course of nature with a cold or a virus, but does God-knows-what to her young system.

This is my third child. I think I know, by now, when she needs rest and fluids to recover from a virus. Although I must admit that the darker side of me has been tempted to send her to school throwing up in the hopes that she will infect others and negatively impact the attendance record and the money per capita (which really IS the bottom line for the attendance policy) on a larger scale. Fortunately, I’m not willing to sacrifice my daughter to such dark ends.

It also bugs me that one of the “unexcused” absences was when they called me to come pick her up because she was sick — the moment she got off the bus, before classes even started. I’d suggested that she go on to school and if she didn’t feel any better I’d come get her. It’s standard for me to tell my kids that because, often, once they get up and moving, they feel better. It’s true for all of us. So, if they call and I pick her up, it’s unexcused? If they call and I don’t go pick her up… it’s, what, neglect? (They did say they would remove that one, when I inquired.)

I don’t run my kids or myself into the doctor the moment someone coughs or sneezes. I’ve been sick since Saturday — really sick — but I’m letting this horrible case of the creeping-crud run its course. I firmly believe that medicating too early is a bane to our future abilities to fight off viruses/infection/etc on our own. After all, the creation of super-bacteria has been traced to the over-use and unnecessary use of anti-bacterial soaps, etc. I don’t even let that stuff in my house. We use plain soap and water — not that it protects us from what other people have created.

I do believe that building a healthy immune system is the best thing for long-term health. I work hard to do so… for me and my kids.

Point Three:

The holiday schedules make me crazy. Yesterday, my daughter had 30-minute classes so they could leave at noon to go to the movies to see Madagascar. Hardly an educational movie in my book — and one she’d already seen with a church group the week before. I paid the three dollars and said nothing. Everyone deserves a fun field trip from time to time, right?

Well that’s before I knew what was on the agenda for today…

Today? No classes today. Today they watched “Home Alone” and “Kung-Fu Panda” and did crafts. No classes. They did go to library (where they watched part of the movie “Spy Kids”) and gym (where they ran relay races and danced). And this is for Thanksgiving. I’m sure the Christmas holiday lead up will be even worse — it usually is.

But, you know what? I’m required by law to send her for this. If I had kept her at home, it would have been another strike against ME. Legal strike against me. If I had kept her here to read or write or work on math… I would have been “interfering” with her education. Go figure.

Now maybe I’m just all pissy because I’m sick and because she’s starting to come down with what I have. (Case in point, it’s not yet 6:00 p.m. and she’s curled up in bed asleep with a stuffy nose.) I’m anticipating a glorious holiday of mucus and coughs and sneezes and bed rest for us both.

No traveling and family this year (I can’t possibly take this in on my father in his condition, even if I do start feeling better.)

But I tend to believe that it’s more than just a uber-cold induced bad mood. I think there is something seriously wrong with a system that requires us to send our children to school for “free days” and for movies. Am I crazy?

Ok, I’m loving the way the platform for the iPhone is constantly expanding. Holding up the device to a radio and using an app (Shazam) to identify the song, artist and offer the ability to buy that song… well that’s just cool. It works pretty well, I had it on my iPhone for awhile.

(I took it off to make room for more apps I wanted to test. I don’t really NEED to know a song that often, but it’s cool to have when I do.)

Being able to scan a barcode and look up the product online, complete with price comparisons to get the best deal… that’s a great concept as well (It’s on my list of apps to try, but I’ve not done this one yet — I’ve heard it still needs a bit of work). I’ll wait for the next version.

One that I did recently download (a paid app) that is uber cool is called the Ocarina by smule. This has GOT to be one of the coolest expansions of the different parts of this device for a completely new purpose.

The mic is used as a “reed” to blow into in order to play the instrument. The touch screen offers combinations of four virtual “buttons” to make a multitude of tones and sounds. And if having a little instrument in your pocket isn’t cool enough… they’ve also taken the social networking aspect to a new level by broadcasting (with your permission, of course) the music of all players all over the world.

So you can watch on a globe of the earth as someone far away struggles with those beginning chords of amazing grace, or triumphs over the final chords of Greensleeves. If you get tired of listening to one new-iphone-age artist, you can hit the next button and the globe spins and picks up another player somewhere else in the world.  Hit the heart emblem to give props to those you like — everyone has their own username.

Yeah, I know that the iPhone has had mini-piano programs (I got the free one to play) and drums and guitars, and some that are a whole band in your pocket… but this is different. This is something completely new.

It’s an instrument FOR the iPhone and it’s worth the 99 cents just to play with the expansion on this smartphone’s overall concept and what it can do. Very cool. Try it.

You would think, by now, I’d be old enough to know better…

Sometimes, I expect the world to be fair and for other people to observe the golden rule. Just because you put your personal differences aside and do the right thing when it comes to someone else, even if you have to grit your teeth to do it, doesn’t mean that very same person in a remarkably similar reversal, will do the same thing. I should just know that by now, right? Maybe this time I’ve actually learned that. Maybe. Hey, it could happen!

Sometimes not saying anything is better than saying something nasty. (My mother taught me that one.) So when I say nothing and say nothing and count to 100 and say nothing…. when does the goading stop? Does an ulcer signify success? Would taking up kick-boxing help… at all?

My father was the one that always said “Life’s not fair” — and I always argued. But you know what? He was right. Life isn’t fair. And, like parenting, no one gives you a manual. You, me and everyone else, just have to wing it, do what we can and hope for the best.

I laughed when both my parents told me that “parenting adults is harder than parenting children.” I felt the sting of the words aimed at me, while I complained about the messes my tiny children made and how hard it was to have two boys so close together in age and to literally start over again with a girl 10 years after the eldest boy was born. They didn’t understand, I assured myself… they never had THREE kids and they never tried to do it alone. I was wrong. They were right. ‘Nuff said.

So here I sit… trying to figure out how to learn to “let go” of the things I can’t do anything about and there I go… searching under every un-turned rock to find the wisdom to know the difference. Here I am, waiting for a miracle, a revelation, a tiny sliver of insight so I can figure out what my role is and if, indeed, I still have one in so many situations that find me lately.

In the meantime, while I impatiently await enlightenment, maybe I can be mature enough to quit worrying about everyone else and give myself permission to just take care of me and the one child I have left who is still under legal age.

Maybe now is the time to quit wringing my hands about all the things I failed to do perfectly, and start enjoying life a little more. Maybe today is the day I finally reach a comfortable level of maturity and realize that being a little more selfish isn’t necessarily a bad thing… maybe it’s a bit more like self-preservation. Maybe that’s what it really means to be mature. Maybe.

I went to a mother-daughter conference this weekend with my daughter. Silly me, I thought it would be time we spent together — rather than time we were mostly split up into “breakout” sessions. That didn’t go as I had hoped. But there were other things that didn’t “flow” for me either. For instance…

Professional Parenting Advice:

“Don’t talk with your kids about “responsible drinking” … what are you going to do next, give them condoms?”

My take on it:

Uhhhh… if you don’t talk with them about the facts of life, someone with different views than YOURS will. Take ANY opportunity to talk to your kids about responsible actions, regardless of the situation. And, personally, I don’t believe in giving kids condoms, but I’ve done it. That doesn’t mean I was leading cheers on the side lines encouraging them to go get laid. And that purchase was a real wrestling match with myself. It was a tough one.

I told them that I didn’t approve, but I didn’t want a lapse in judgment in their teen years to cost them their lives. Like I told my sons, “I can forgive you anything but taking my son from me. If you do something stupid, if you are careless or rash and you take YOU from me, I’ll never forgive you.”

Saying “this is bad and you are never to do it” sets up a wall between you and your child. You don’t have to put yourself in a no-win situation with your kids to make your feelings known. And, kids will screw up. It’s their job to do so — and hopefully to do so at an age that’s young enough to learn from their mistakes before the stakes get too high.

Not talking to kids about alcohol, drugs, sex and other “taboo” topics will not prevent them from exploring those options, it will just insure that they don’t tell you about it and ask you questions. Don’t be stupid. Always keep the lines of communication open with your kids. There will be times that you wonder WHY you encouraged them to talk to you about anything and everything. Just grit your teeth and be still. Be happy that they trust you enough to get your opinion and be honest, without being abrupt when you disagree. But always keep talking and listening.

But, hey, I’m not an parenting expert. I’m just a mom.

Professional Parenting Advice:

“That book should be banned from your local schools!”

My take on it:

Uhhhh… what could possibly be more attractive than a “taboo” book when you are in middle and high school? If memory serves, nothing! I still remember my first “racy” book — it was in middle school and it was called “The Other Side of Midnight” — it simply would fall open to all the “good” parts. That’s how much we passed it around. Heck, I’d never have considered reading some of the “classics” I read early on if they hadn’t been veiled in the mystique of the taboo. Of course I’ve never been quite able to wade through Lady Chatterley… but I still plan to do so! Eventually.

Instead of banning books, how about talking with your kids about the books they are reading? How about discussing the good and the bad in the latest novel in their backpack? How about discussing what’s “appropriate” and what is less than desirable and if the book, as a whole, was worth the time spent reading it? How about discussing generas and topics and what type of book they plan to read next? How about taking them to the library or the bookstore?

I find that that is a method that works QUITE well with my 10-year-old voracious reader. And she’s much more picky about what’s “appropriate” than I would be. She tells me that a certain word was used that was neither “nice” nor “necessary” to the story. And yes, we discuss if the language and situations are required or beneficial to the flow of the story. Isn’t that how you teach critical reading and… by the way… critical thinking?

Professional Parenting Advice:

“Make friends with your kids’ friends’ parents. That way when they say, ‘But everyone else is doing it!’ you can say, ‘these parents aren’t, we are all doing the same thing’.”

My take on it:

Or, just maybe, you could grow some… and be a parent. “No” is an excellent parenting tool, albeit quite under utilized these days. Who gives a hang what the other parents are doing? How can you fight “mob mentality” in your kids by doing the adult equivalent of the same thing?

Why not some independent thinking and some personal decisions and responsibility for all involved? Hey, it works!

There were some issues raised that I could get behind, but many times I found myself thinking that my Saturday of “Mother/Daughter” time would have been better spent curling up with one of those questionable books that Alex is currently reading aloud to me when we have time alone (Twilight by S. Meyer), sharing her passion for it and learning to properly pronounce some of those pesky four and five syllable tongue twisters that LOOK different than they sound.

Photo by lisafanucchi of morguefile.com

To say I’m pleased with the election results would be a lie.

I’m deeply concerned about this country, probably more so than I have ever been in any given election. I get the feeling that many people voted the way they did because they saw it as a way to shirk their responsibilities.

The thing that keeps coming to mind is the lady who, at the celebratory victory rally, said that she was glad she no longer had to worry about her mortgage or her car payment.

I’m assuming she intends to KEEP both of these items, she just doesn’t want to pay for them anymore. So, by default (isn’t that a great pun?!?) those of us who are responsible and DO pay our bills will get to pay hers as well? Maybe our children and grandchildren can kick in to support (with interest) the quality of life to which she has become accustomed, but no longer desires to afford?

It reminds me of the time when I was in a grocery line with my mother in Danville, Kentucky. The lady in front of us was wearing diamond rings and an “Aigner” coat (which was all the rage at that time), a matching purse and shoes.

These were things that we couldn’t justify (my mother has always been so practical — thank goodness!). When she tried to check out the dog food with her food stamps, she was told that it wasn’t permitted. Her response? She said her dog preferred hamburger anyway — and promptly left the line, went to the meat department, got a 10 pound roll of ground beef and returned to be checked out — while we all stood in awe, mouths agape.

I think that was a pivotal moment in my development. I was probably 12 or 13. It has colored my glasses about welfare programs and these glasses aren’t rosy. I feel that what we have here, is an even bigger version of the same mentality. Put simply, it makes me angry.

When are people going to be responsible and quit expecting the government to parent them?

Some of the propositions that passed also alarm me. I really don’t believe it’s the government’s job to dictate morality, define “family” and determine what is ok in our bedrooms. Apparently, that puts me squarely in the minority these days, too.

Most of my clients and friends are fiscally and politically conservative (with a few notable exceptions). One of my friends commented today, “Welcome to the USSA.” I have to wonder if he’s right.

On another note, the “Civilian National Security Force” scares the crap out of me. It simply does.

So, I’m sitting quietly here in my home office, wondering why I’ve spent my life paying my bills, meeting my obligations (even when people who supposedly share those obligations don’t do their part to help), trying to stay out of debt and avoiding “welfare” type programs — even during those really hard times in my life when I qualified.

I’ve always believed that freedom mattered more than security. I’ve believed in making your own way and cutting back when times were lean. I’ve always been capable of making the tough decisions. I’ve tried to pass this on to my children (whether or not I did this successfully is yet to be seen.)

I wonder “what’s the use?” when people who didn’t behave responsibly are getting bailouts. Like another one of my friends recently quipped, “Where’s my friggin’ financial bailout?!?”

*Not that I’d want one if it cost me my freedom or my privacy — or made me beholden to someone as a result, mind you*

We aren’t educating our children in our schools anymore, I worry that now all we have to educate them is our example… and if that’s the case, we are probably totally screwed.

I think I’m going to go try to find my old weather-beaten copy of 1984 for a quick re-read. I think it’s time.

I just watched a video which covered many of the things I’ve been contemplating lately. I’ve always been an identity protection freak. I have been guilty of making a scene in public when someone tried to demand my social security number (when I knew it wasn’t necessary) before offering me a service or looking up an account.

I’ve been a freak about other things too…

When the education system wasn’t up to snuff, I pulled my kids out and educated them myself. If a store didn’t provide me with the service I needed, I walked out and spent my money (even if it cost more) elsewhere.

All of these things did little to change the system, the situation or the environment.

Mostly they just changed me into a skeptic (usually a pissed-off one) and complicated my life. It seems that nearly everything I did served only to make life harder. Some were worth the added complication (like my children), but most were not worth the price they exacted from my time, my tranquility, and the quality of my life.

I’ve recently decided to quit trying to change the world.

I’ve quit trying to control my environment. Instead, I’ve decided to only avoid being controlled. That may sound like the same thing, but it’s not. Trying to control other individuals and situations is always futile and is usually rude. Refusing to let others control you is difficult but possible and it doesn’t have to be anti-social.

First, I have to determine “what is me?”

Is my personal information “me” or is that only a series of labels people/companies/entities put on me? Are my thoughts “me?” Is my video collection and taste in media an identifying marker of “me?” — and should I remove my information from Pandora? Is how I’m spending my time this second me? Is that information “private” or is it something to be shared on Twitter? Are the people who are my friends private — or do I add them to Facebook? Where I go and what I do… is that something my iPhone should be allowed to track? A couple years ago, I’d say no to all of the above. And, I would have said it loudly.

Is my journal me? Are my musings (like this one) private thoughts, or should I blog them? Am I communicating and being more open (the way I like my software and the way I’d like my government to be) or am I divulging my own personal details to a degree that I’m too visible? Will I regret the new level of transparency I’ve started to adopt?

I’ve spent much of my life jousting windmills in the name of freedom. I’m tired. Even more important, I’m not sure that what I thought I was gaining is achievable or even desirable. And isn’t this how societies change… with broad, sweeping apathy following exhaustion? I think we are there.

Exhausted — politically, philosophically, personally

I’m not interested in being militant for its own sake (that’s the game for a much younger person… been there, done that… and I was in the minority even then. Most of my generation (at least the ones I knew) were sheep in their youth. Quiet sheep. I’ve always been the odd one for fighting the wind, pushing life uphill and raging against the machine.

Balancing my love of autonomy and communication with my passion for technology and “connectedness” has always been a saga of personal oxymorons. Determining how much I do is promoting my own freedom (the freedom to not struggle and fight everything in life) vs. selling my freedom (by accepting things that once let loose into the wild cannot be recaptured) is taking up too much of my mental energy.

View the Video

And, although the video on the Next 5000 days of the Internet is interesting and follows many of the positives of the connected society, it also screams the downfalls (even if the presenter doesn’t seem to notice.) And, Mr. Kelly? The word you are looking for (the replacement for the words “the one”) is “Borg.”

That is all. Rambling rant over… and out.