It’s not always an easy solution when you want it to go your way to come up with two ways for them to choose. And that they will like, but ultimately you gain respect and they gain the responsiblity of making the best choice for them and being able to live with the choice they made.

Lying, well all kids are going to do it. I always used the little boy the cried wolf. My daughter 20 years later will tell you she heard that story so many time she thought she would scream. I just wanted her to understand that one day, when it was most important, I must be able to believe her and trust her.

Lying would just keep making me mistrust her and make her have to earn my trust. Too much time wasted, to earn that trust thing. But it’s the age too. They will outgrow it, eventually. And trust me when I say, when they start having children of their own they will appreciate all the things your trying to do now. They don’t stay this age forever.

You and I agree on not allowing the child to “abuse the rights of those around them”. And I think we at least partially overlap on knowing that what lots of people consider healthy reasoning with an upset child we might see some potential for fueling more misbehavior.

I don’t think children experience a choice followed by the adult taking action as getting away with anything. When I say “Can you get to the car on your own, or do you need help?” to a tantruming four year old, and then when he doesn’t start moving and I pick him up, my credibility as an adult ratchets up every time I do it. He learns that he gets to retain a reasonable amount of control if he’s making responsible choices. When he’s unwilling to make a reasonable choice, he learns pretty quickly that when I need to I can handle him without a sweat. He is apt to experience me as relatively fair and himself as a kid with a parent who can handle him, which seems to be very calming for kids.

It is frustrating and disappointing when our kids lie to us. Lying is very complex usually takes me at least a one-hour session to cover the basics. All I can say here is that my reasoning behind offering choices within limits, and more broadly sharing control in strategic places has to do with the way that I see kids tend to respond in the long run. One of the effects is that they tend to be more responsible, with honesty being one dimension of that. All of these concepts are things I blog regularly about.

Anyway. gotta get back to work. Great topic that is very important. I like the way that blogs (like wickedblog) are opening this stuff up for public discussion. Again, what I’ve expressed here are of course nothing more than my take on it as one child and family therapist making his best, educated guess based on experience.

I think quickly correcting the behavior is sometimes necessary. I do not advocate ever touching a child when the adult is angry — that’s a slippery slope. That’s making the adult feel better, and children should not be a frustration target for parents — or anyone else.

I wholeheartedly agree with natural consequences when that’s possible but do not approve of allowing the child to “get control of themselves” while abusing the rights of those around them. I advocate no choice in those circumstances… you scream, you get removed from the public place. To me, that’s natural consequences and there is no choice.

Of course, I’m not a child psychologist and the likes of “Dr. Spock” makes me want to wretch… but I digress.

Question for you… one that stumps me, even after three kids… how to handle lying. That one makes me feel helpless, hopeless and agitated. To me, truth and honesty is the basis of character and I make no secret of it to my children. Yet, I’ve been through a pretty serious few bouts of lying with all three of my kids and am in the middle of another one now with the youngest… just when I thought that mountain had been scaled, flagged and conquered.

Your thoughts?