Open Letter to Parents of Screaming Child
I’d like to address this to the lovely woman (and her understandably quiet, seemingly embarrassed husband) who took little screaming Junior to Wild Oats in Lexington, Kentucky on Saturday.
Dear Mother -
No, I did NOT roll my eyes at your child. Had I rolled my eyes at anyone, it would have been at you. My sister tells me that I exude disgust without the need to roll my eyes and that I’m terribly transparent. She’s probably right. My apologies. Obviously, you misconstrued my total disgust with eye-rolling. I’m not sure how that happened.
However, having a child in a public place that screams at that decibel rate and in that particular key (I think it was a high c, although no glass actually shattered), is not ok. Perhaps you have been led to believe otherwise. I can understand that you may have been instructed incorrectly at some young impressionable age, but you are surely old enough to know better by now. If not, you may want to seek professional help.
To yell at me, “There’s no reason to roll your eyes, he’s just excited!” does not eliminate your responsibilities to others (many of whom WERE rolling their eyes, BTW) who must share the public space with your adorable child. Did it not occur to you that it was strange that you had to blurt that well-practiced line so quickly while Junior was taking a breath before screaming again? He nearly cut your mini-speech off with his tireless squeals.
At what point did it become ok for your child (or anyone else) to invade the sanctity of my personal space in such an offensive manner? The old adage about your freedom to swing your fists stopping at the edge of my nose also applies to my ears and your precocious child’s vocal cords.
I would understand if it was a sudden outburst and you scrambled to educate your child on how to be a better, more sensitive individual and a more pleasant member of society. Instead, you opted to condemn those of us who were surprised by your incredulous incapacity to even recognize a problem. Let me tell you a little secret… just because your child wants to be the center of your attention and your world does not mean that he should automatically be thrust into the spotlight in ours. There, I said it. Believe it.
I realize it’s old fashioned of me. I realize that I’m not “cool” with the new trends toward lenient parenting. I’m an old fogy. That’s ok. I can live with that. I actually like that my own young daughter’s mouth physically dropped open in disbelief as your child expressed himself.
But if you had not been so quick to jump — if you had not had that comment a little too “at the ready” — perhaps you may have noticed the entire fresh produce section stop in their tracks and turn to stare when Junior demanded center stage. He truly is hard to ignore. Bravo for you!
If you want Junior to be the center of attention, you might try for a more subtle approach. Perhaps a talent or a skill. Maybe he will be an amazing adult… but somehow I think he may need a little more guidance than you are obviously willing (or able) to offer.
Do him a favor, do yourself a favor, do the rest of us a favor… discover a better way for him to claim his fame. And, if you can’t control his abuse of other people’s eardrums, leave him at home. In fact, why don’t you stay home with him and properly adore him at close range and in private?
Your husband appeared to be mannerly … maybe he could do the shopping.
note: photo courtesy of morguefile.com, artist: xenia.
Tags: family, freedoms-rights, parenting, rants-raves
I wasn’t there of course, but what you describe sounds familiar. I’m with you about not minding nearly so much when parents are offering their child some sort of guidance, are attempting to set some sort of reasonable limit, or simply attempt to intervene (e.g. taking the kid out of the store when they are shrieking). No matter how bad the tantrum or the behavior, I have a lot more patience in those cases. When the parents opt to do nothing, whether out of cluelessness; laziness; just adhering to their parenting philosophy, etc I must say I find it pretty annoying.
I think helping to orient one’s child to the rest of the world and the needs and rights of others is a gift we can offer them that many kids miss out on in large part these days. Seems like pendulum thing. It certainly was good when we historically moved from treating children like property and began to have some regard for their feelings and preferences. But the pendulum for many has continued to swing to where the kids are raised with far too little awareness of the needs, feelings and rights of those around them…which I think in the long run does the child in question no favors. Generally, they WILL learn it, but the question is whether they do so with the loving guidance of their parents, or whether the learning is postponed til the price tags are much higher when their peers, roommates and fellow employees teach them often in much harsher and more painful ways than we can pull off as parents.
Michael@ Awareness * Connection - September 7, 2008 11:41 pm
Amen, Michael!
Angela Parker - September 8, 2008 7:05 am
Bravo, Bravo,
Why do parents think everyone else wants to hear all of that shrieking too? I guess I am an old fogy too. I try so hard when I take me grandchildren out to keep them at a civil tone and to behave. Which sometimes seems to be harder for the little one, but she somehow over comes her desire to think she is with her mother. But society has made it hard for these parents to be parents by threatning Child Protective Services on them if they spank them. I mean my goodness teachers are even scared of the kids these days. Remember when you had respect for your bus driver and your teacher? Well those days are gone. The kids themselves threaten to call CPS if the parent spanks them. Now, mind you mine tried that on me once, and only once. I believed in spanking and I believed in manners and I still do, grandkids and all. I guess I am the one who inforces it in the grandkids more than the parents. But at least my daughter has some discipline for the kids in her. But as long as society takes the kids that are trying to be handled and gives the kids back that are being abused, we as a society are destined to fail.
Delayne Lane - September 8, 2008 8:41 am
On my last sentence up there: “…peers, roommates and fellow employees teach them often in much harsher and more painful ways..” [I meant to say] “… than we would opt to use as parents.”
Michael@ Awareness * Connection - September 8, 2008 11:01 am
Just to be clear, esp since I am a child and family therapist, I am not at all advocating spanking. There are far more effective things we can do without the long term, problematic side effects that come along with the short term effectiveness of spanking. I do think Delayne is right though that some of our changes in society have left parents often feeling backed into a corner with no good options. Here is a piece i wrote that touches on what Delayne expressed above and my take as a professional that works with families on where we might go from here:
http://enjoyparenting.blogspot.com/2008/07/transition-from-spanking-to-parent.html
Please do make your way back to wickedblog.com if you visit the link above.
Michael@ Awareness * Connection - September 8, 2008 2:41 pm
I certainly understand the frustration expressed by Delayne about how parents often feel backed into a corner with no good options. Just to be clear, I am not myself advocating spanking. As a parent coach and child and family therapist, I know there are far more effective things we can do that teach reasonable limits and help orient children to the fact that others around them also have needs and rights, without ending up with the long-term, side effects that come along with the use of spanking. In Oregon where I practice, spanking is not a “reportable” child abuse offense unless it is excessive (as in leaving bruises for instance). I just know that in the long-run it has some pretty serious downsides compared to alternatives that take a bit more thought, and self-calming skills on the part of the parents.
An example might be leaning over and whispering to the child, “Do you think you’re going to be able to get yourself calmed down here, or are you going to need to be somewhere else?” If they child keeps screaming, you can lean over and say, “Bummer, looks like you’re going to need to head to the car for a break. Let’s go.” If the child doesn’t start moving, it can be onto, “Can you make it to the car on your own like a big kid, or do you need some help?”
What I would recommend from there would depend completely on the child, their age, the history of the problem and other circumstances. One example might be having the child come up with a plan before the next fun thing they do when they get home, or using other logical consequences, this sort of behavior can be replaced with more appropriate store behaviors in pretty short order. When we play our cards right, we can have the child practicing lots of thinking and decision making in the process.
So anyway, that is the gist of my thinking insofar as I can convey it briefly here. I do agree though that letting kids abuse everyone else’s ears isn’t fair to others and isn’t even good for the child in the long run.
Michael@ Awareness * Connection - September 8, 2008 3:00 pm
Oh, I don’t know, Michael. I don’t advocate abuse, but I do believe that spanking is sometimes necessary. I know that makes me “out of step” but when I hear someone respond to a tantrum with, “What’s the matter, honey?” or “What do you want, Junior?” I’m thinking…”What a crock!” I think giving extra attention and trying to fulfill desires of a misbehaving child is to reward that behavior.
I think quickly correcting the behavior is sometimes necessary. I do not advocate ever touching a child when the adult is angry — that’s a slippery slope. That’s making the adult feel better, and children should not be a frustration target for parents — or anyone else.
I wholeheartedly agree with natural consequences when that’s possible but do not approve of allowing the child to “get control of themselves” while abusing the rights of those around them. I advocate no choice in those circumstances… you scream, you get removed from the public place. To me, that’s natural consequences and there is no choice.
Of course, I’m not a child psychologist and the likes of “Dr. Spock” makes me want to wretch… but I digress.
Question for you… one that stumps me, even after three kids… how to handle lying. That one makes me feel helpless, hopeless and agitated. To me, truth and honesty is the basis of character and I make no secret of it to my children. Yet, I’ve been through a pretty serious few bouts of lying with all three of my kids and am in the middle of another one now with the youngest… just when I thought that mountain had been scaled, flagged and conquered.
Your thoughts?
Angela Parker - September 8, 2008 6:23 pm
I’m not saying what anyone else should do. I just want to be clear about my position. I never even tell my clients what they need to do, I just share with them what I think is most likely to be effective.
You and I agree on not allowing the child to “abuse the rights of those around them”. And I think we at least partially overlap on knowing that what lots of people consider healthy reasoning with an upset child we might see some potential for fueling more misbehavior.
I don’t think children experience a choice followed by the adult taking action as getting away with anything. When I say “Can you get to the car on your own, or do you need help?” to a tantruming four year old, and then when he doesn’t start moving and I pick him up, my credibility as an adult ratchets up every time I do it. He learns that he gets to retain a reasonable amount of control if he’s making responsible choices. When he’s unwilling to make a reasonable choice, he learns pretty quickly that when I need to I can handle him without a sweat. He is apt to experience me as relatively fair and himself as a kid with a parent who can handle him, which seems to be very calming for kids.
It is frustrating and disappointing when our kids lie to us. Lying is very complex usually takes me at least a one-hour session to cover the basics. All I can say here is that my reasoning behind offering choices within limits, and more broadly sharing control in strategic places has to do with the way that I see kids tend to respond in the long run. One of the effects is that they tend to be more responsible, with honesty being one dimension of that. All of these concepts are things I blog regularly about.
Anyway. gotta get back to work. Great topic that is very important. I like the way that blogs (like wickedblog) are opening this stuff up for public discussion. Again, what I’ve expressed here are of course nothing more than my take on it as one child and family therapist making his best, educated guess based on experience.
Michael@ Awareness * Connection - September 8, 2008 7:26 pm
Choices for children are a must I completely agree. I always found it helpful for my child to give her a two choices both which were what I wanted anyway but in a way that gave her the feeling in which she was getting her way as well. That way we were both happy.
It’s not always an easy solution when you want it to go your way to come up with two ways for them to choose. And that they will like, but ultimately you gain respect and they gain the responsiblity of making the best choice for them and being able to live with the choice they made.
Lying, well all kids are going to do it. I always used the little boy the cried wolf. My daughter 20 years later will tell you she heard that story so many time she thought she would scream. I just wanted her to understand that one day, when it was most important, I must be able to believe her and trust her.
Lying would just keep making me mistrust her and make her have to earn my trust. Too much time wasted, to earn that trust thing. But it’s the age too. They will outgrow it, eventually. And trust me when I say, when they start having children of their own they will appreciate all the things your trying to do now. They don’t stay this age forever.
Delayne Lane - September 8, 2008 7:53 pm
Thanks for the wonderful discussion, folks. I LIKE it!
It’s great to have so many good ideas pop up in one place. I think we are all, basically, on the same page. It’s all about educating while caring for the children.
Angela Parker - September 8, 2008 7:58 pm
Delayne, REALLY nice description of choices and why they are helpful.
Michael@ Awareness * Connection - September 9, 2008 1:25 am